Samantha “Billy”
I Don’t Know What I’m Feeling

What do you want me to talk about yo? My father, well he’s Irish. You must know that, you know my last name isn’t German. He’s actually the best man in the entire world. And I’m a girly girl yo, but I’m bad-ass. His first child was a girl, his second child was a girl, and his third child was a girl, but he decided I was going to be the son he always wanted. I was my dad’s little tomboy.

My dad never let me cry. Hells yea I played sports. I can still dribble a basketball past your sorry ass with these nails and this skirt if I wanted to. My father would always say to me, “Walk if off,” or “Quit your whining and be strong.” I broke my rib playing basketball and I kept playing. I thought I could shake it off. Sometimes I’m stupid like that. I don’t allow myself to feel physical pain; I try to ignore it.

Maybe that’s why I’m such a sexual animal? Did you ever think of that? But that’s also why you like me. That’s why all guys like me. I mean I know how to dress. I know how to act. I know how to carry myself. I know how to take care of my man, and I don’t let anyone fuck with me or my man. You don’t let anyone fuck with you, and you like that I’m a bitch. Being a bitch works, and it’s sexy.

Most of the time don’t you get what you want? Well most of the time I get what I want yo. This is who I am. If someone doesn’t like me, or tries to disrespect me, fuck that yo. I’m not going to put up with that. I have enough shit going on in my life with me, with my family—I’m not going to let other people try to bring me down. Regular life can bring you down enough.

And I’m sorry because I really like you. I like you a lot. And I don’t know if I want to get close to someone. I mean we already are close, and you are my best guy friend; I just don’t know if I want to wake up two years from now and be with you. I had a long relationship. I loved my man, and he loved me. But then he shit on me. I can’t believe he left me for some other girl; some hoochie mamma slut. She’s fucking ugly too. She’s a slut. I can’t believe how he just through everything we had together away.

I don’t know if I want to trust anyone again. And I don’t really trust guys. You are all the same. I don’t know if one day you are going to throw it all away, or if I’m even ready to give it to you. You are not my man. We hang out, go out, talk, sleep together, you have met my family, my dad. You eat over for dinner, and you have a relationship with my sisters. You are a big part of my life, but you are not my man yet.

I can still do what I want. I still hang out with my other guy friends. I told you I don’t do anything with them, and I’ve never lied to you. None of them are fuck buddies. But, on the other hand I’m still going to have my life yo. If something comes along—I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I want to do. And if I chose to do something, I don’t want to feel like I’m doing something wrong? You know?

But I do love you. You are very important to me, and I know that I always want you in my life. You saved my life K.J. If it weren’t for you, I would be dead. I just don’t know if you are going to be my man. I understand if you don’t want to keep seeing me. I understand if you don’t want to keep doing what we are doing. But you are stupid. Right now you have the best of everything. Right now you have me—your beautiful friend, you’re beautiful friend that you always have a good time with and occasionally we get really really crazy.

I haven’t deprived you of anything. Yes, believe it or not, lately I haven’t been wanting to fuck all of the time. And I don’t know why, I wish I wanted to screw you every night. I wish whatever it is that needs to happen within me would just happen and I could be with you. And sometimes I feel that, and sometimes I don’t. But I do occasionally get horny. And if I am going to be with someone, that someone is you.

I’m a clean girl. You know that. I know how to use my body, I can work my shit, but you know that I’ve only been with three guys. And I was with each of them for a long time. You know that you are the forth guy I’ve ever been with. Don’t think that isn’t important. Remember I’m not a slut yo. I don’t sleep with guys. Sure I’ve done things with other guys, I’m not saint—but I’m certainly no slut. You are the only person I would consider being with. As of right now, even though I can be with other guys, whenever I want to have sex, I always think of you. I want to be with you. I don’t know, right now is such an awkward period for me. But how can you say I’m hot and cold, or inconsistent and you never know how I’m going to react or what I’m thinking? Don’t I always tell you?

You helped me get through some rough shit yo. And I appreciate you being my friend. I needed a friend, and you were the only guy that I completely trusted. I knew you wouldn’t take advantage of me when I was vulnerable. You understood that I needed to get healthy and be happy with myself before I could be with anyone, and that happened to me. Then when I started feeling good, I realized I was falling in love with you. I did love you. I made the first move if you remember correctly. Then we started our thing, because you felt the same way about me, and I don’t know? Sometimes I just feel really scared. I feel like everything is happening again, and I don’t know what’s going to happen? Does that make sense?

Let’s talk about something else yo. I’m starting to sound like a broken record. Haven’t you been listening to me? I don’t want to kiss. Come on, I want a psychological profile of you. I need to get some juice on you. Today we took a Psychology Test in class and it was so much fun! Let me get the Psych. Test and we can do it together. It will be so much fun!

Are you ready KJ? O.K. Imagine the scenes I read in your mind, and tell me the first thing you visualize. Do not think about the questions excessively—this is quick answers K.J.--quick answers.

You are walking in the woods, but you are not alone. Who are you walking with? Your grandfather, that’s good.
You are walking in the woods and you see an animal. What animal is it? A deer. You see a deer? O.K. this is good, that was quick.
What happens between you and the animal? You are looking at the deer with your grandfather, and by moving in a slow and non-threatening fashion you are able to pet the deer. O.K. that’s just weird, but whatever. I’m sorry, I won’t comment anymore; I really want to do this.

Walking deeper in the woods, you enter a clearing and before you is your dream house—what does it look like? It looks exactly like Frank Lloyd Wright’s Fallingwater? What the hell is that? So why didn’t you say it melts with the environment and has lots of wide-open space inside, and is hidden, yet at the same time extremely bright on the inside from the beginning? Is it big? Not really, no that’s a fine answer. Does a fence surround your dream house? No, that’s obvious.

When you enter the house, you see the dining area and dining room table? Describe what you see on and around the table? You see candles, flowers, dried fruit and nuts, and eight chairs? That’s all you see? O.K. that’s fine, I’m just asking.
You exit the house now and go through the back door. Lying in the grass is a cup. What is that cup made of? The cup is made of diamonds? Diamond cups don’t exist! Well, I guess you can say that if that’s the first thing that popped into your head.
What do you do with the cup? You put it on your dining room table.

You walk to the edge of your property and find yourself standing in front of a body of water; what type of body of water? A river.
How will you cross the body of water? You won’t cross the river; you’ll just sit in front of it and enjoy it. No, that answer is unacceptable. How will you cross the body of water KJ? With a boat, that’s better. O.K. Let’s see how you did?

Now my Professor said, hold up yo, I wrote everything down; that the answers to these questions illustrate the values and ideals of the subject. The person you are walking with is the most important person in your life. Listen K.J. this is the subconscious we are talking about. Your grandfather is the most important person in your life, and now you know. Let’s just keep going. The size of the animal you see is representative of your perception of the size of your problems. How you interact with the animal illustrates how you deal with your problems, so you are obviously passive and not aggressive. The size of your dream house represents the size of your ambition to resolve your problems, so you obviously don’t care to resolve them much. Why do you think that is? Why don’t you care?

This isn’t stupid! Listen, if we did it in class, and my Professor said it’s a proven Psychological Test, obviously she knows more than you. This is telling me a lot about you right now, and confirming some things I’ve always thought. We’re almost finished. We’ll this is totally wrong; I disagree with this one. It says because you have no fence, you have an open personality. People are always welcome and you don’t mind if someone drops by unannounced.

What do you mean that’s you? You aren’t like that? I’m not going to argue with you, because I know you’re wrong. That’s totally not you KJ. Then why is your dream house one with nature and blends into the environment? Right there that tells me you want your house to be hidden. Let’s move on and forget that one.

What is on your table? If you didn’t include people, food, or flowers then you are generally unhappy. I have to ask my teacher, but I wonder because you only said flowers if you are unhappier than people who said two, or all three. I think you are sometimes happy, and that makes sense because you only have flowers.

The durability of the cup you found is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship with the person you named in number one, so in your case, your Grandfather. If it’s metal or plastic, it means you have a durable relationship. All girls know diamonds last forever, so you have a very durable relationship with your grandfather; there, aren’t you happy to know that about yourself. I’m trying to be serious yo. It doesn’t matter if your Grandfather is dead, you could still have a strong relationship with him.

The size of the body of water illustrates the size of your sexual desire. Well, most rivers aren’t very big, they’re just long, and so you don’t have a very strong sexual desire. What do you mean rivers can be tremendous? The Nile isn’t even that big. Everybody knows it goes ponds, lakes, rivers, then oceans. And a river in comparison to an ocean is nothing really.

Why are you trying to be a smart ass, a bay, or the Sound is like an ocean. Let’s just keep moving along. I’m trying to help you learn more about yourself, and you are arguing with me. KJ, we only have one more, and this one definitely describes you. It says how wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life? That’s so funny. Wow, I learned a lot.

I don’t want to do it again; I already did it in school. Here look at this funny e-mail I got today. You look like I’m boring you. I’m just trying to have fun with you, what’s the matter you don’t like e-mails? Of course you do, everyone uses e-mail.

Here check this out, it’s great. My daddy sent me this one today. It’s anagrams; these are cool. Dormitory is ‘dirty room.’ Depression is ‘a rope ends it,’ isn’t that one hilarious. Slot machines is ‘cash lost in em.’ Mother-in-law is ‘woman Hitler,’ that one is crazy right? Semolina can be, ‘is no meal.’ I hate semolina bread, that’s so true. How could anyone eat a lot of it, and get those seeds in their teeth, yuck! Eleven plus two can also be ‘twelve plus one.’ Contradiction is ‘accord not in it.’ And this one is the strangest—Princess Diana can be ‘ascend in Paris.’ That is really scary isn’t it? It’s almost as if her fate was determined by here title.

And the last two are like the grand finales. “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” –Neil Armstrong, the anagram is “Thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon. On to Mars!” Isn’t that crazy yo, it’s like his subconscious knew what he did, and what NASA in the future was going to do. He coded his sentences unconsciously. I just find that so interesting. I should mention this to my psychology professor and see what she thinks. The last one is cute; for the phrase, “President Clinton of the USA” you can rearrange into, “to copulate he finds interns.” That one is so cute.

And look at this one he sent me, this ones even better. It’s called ‘English is a Crazy Language’ and it’s by an unknown author. I’ll read it to you: There is neither egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet at all are meats. Quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither a pig nor from Guinea. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing and grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? And if you can have one goose, then two geese, why not one moose and two meese. Is cheese the plural of choose, and if teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, why isn’t a cannibal a humanitarian? In English we recite a play and play at a recital; we ship by trucks and send cargo by ship; have noses that run, and feet that smell; park on driveways and drive on parkways?

Hey K.J.—didn’t George Carlin the comedian do something like this? Didn’t he play around with words? He had shit, and more shit, and places to put shit he didn’t even have. Weren’t you watching him one night do a skit like that. Or isn’t he your favorite or something?

Anyway let me finish reading this, I’m almost done. How is it possible for a slim chance and a fat chance to mean the same thing, but a wise man and a wise guy are complete opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day, and cold as hell another? When a house in actuality burns up, it burns down. One fills in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And lastly, why when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I’m ending it?

That stuff really makes you think yo. I never thought about some of those things or realized really how crazy English is. It must be a real bitch for someone to learn English because according to this, most of it makes no sense.

K.J. I’m getting tired and a little cranky baby. Do you think you can go to 7-Eleven and get me some candy? Please! Pretty please. I don’t want to go with you outside because it’s very cold, but I really want Air Heads. Air Heads and some of the other kinds of candy I like. You know what I like. And if you go get me candy I’ll have some energy from all the sugar and maybe later we’ll do something. Come on—come on—I’m taking off my shirt. Look, here are my perfect tits. Don’t you want to play with these? Yes, you’re going to go? Thank you K.J. I’m just going to take off all my clothes and flick through the channels while your gone. Hurry up please; I’m timing you. Just hurry, I’m not going to change my mind, I promise. I want you!